Confession? I am such a loser. Hahaha.

Insecurity. To me, this isn’t just a word, although it pretty much is.

(What are words anyway, but manifestations of what we feel inside? A way to make the intangible tangible to some crude extent. Words will never be enough, but they’re as close to expressing infinite emotions as the human race can ever get.)

Anyway. Like I was saying, insecurity is a big part of my life. Why? Because I am insecure. (There I said it. Take that, Freud.)

But I can tell you now that I am not insecure of looks, money, or any of the other material things. Nope, that’s not the issue here. I am not shallow. Or, I like to think of myself as not shallow. I don’t know. Sometimes I think everyone should be shallow once in a while. I also think that’s good because it keeps us from being so serious all the time. If everyone was serious all the time, the things we live for would be halved. The Greeks did put ‘tragedy’ alongside ‘comedy’ for a very good reason—balance. (Wow, this is beginning to be a major grammar disaster. Both my English teacher and my writing workshop instructor are going to freak if they ever read this. Tenses, Roseann, tenses!!!)

Where was I... Ah, yes... Insecurity. I am insecure of my abilities. I can’t put it in words as precisely as Kelly Clarkson did in the song “In the Arms of an Angel,” so I’ll refer to her on this one: “There’s always some reason to feel not good enough.” Great song, by the way.

I don’t want to bore anyone, myself included, with details. Hmm. Simply put, there are some days in my life that I feel as down as a ten-wheeler that crashed to the bottom of the Grand Canyon. (And, accordingly, just as broken.) Today is one of those days. Why? Well, as aforementioned, there’s always some reason to feel not good enough!!! And, being in this state of temporary insanity, I’ll do something I’ve never done before. I’ll put into words what makes me insecure. (Trust me, I’ve never done this. I always feel like if it remains unsaid—or unwritten—then it will cease to exist, in my subliminal consciousness or otherwise.)

So here goes. There’s this person I know who... makes me insecure with everything she does. I don’t understand it myself. There are about a hundred other people I know who are, quite frankly, more enviable. But it’s always, always her who makes me feel like I’m never going to be good enough for anything. It’s like she’s the basis that my mind chooses to compare everything against. And in the comparison, I always turn out to be the loser. (Or I think so. I don’t know. I’m confused.) Sometimes, I don’t even want to lay my eyes on her, for fear that the strange voice inside my head will pipe up again and tell me things I didn’t know I could actually think of. (This won’t make sense to you if you’ve never felt it.) These things usually happen when I’m around her, so I try my best to stay out of her way. I mean, it’s not like I avoid her or anything. I. Just. Stay. Out. Of. Her. Way. Whenever the opportunity presents itself anyway.


I know there’s such a thing as healthy competition. But, wait, this is neither a competition nor is it healthy. She doesn’t even know that she makes me insecure. I think.

Hell, this could very well be the bane of my existence. Dramatic, but that is as accurate as I can put it. Insecurity is the bane of my existence.

I don’t want this to be something that’s going to hinder me from the things I want to do, I really don’t. Perhaps this is my conscience’s payback for ignoring every other emotion I’ve ever felt. I know that this insecurity exists only in my mind. I like to think that to remove that insecurity, I would have to remove my mind. Hahaha. I know that I don’t have too much of it to remove anyway, but would I really have to resort to a lobotomy to rid myself of this?

Hmmm. Carrie Underwood’s song is playing right now. What did she just sing out? Oh. I quote, “Sometimes, that mountain you’ve been climbing is just a grain of sand.” Hmmm. Maybe she’s right. Maybe I’m consistently trying to deal with something that’s so trivial... Maybe, just maybe, I won’t need a lobotomy after all. :-)