In her August 17, 2008 entry, Kimberly Lee defined what an audiophile is and gave examples of her audiophilic pursuits. ( http://oushiro.blogspot.com ) I didn’t know what it was called before, but I guess I have audiophilic tendencies too. And since these have been plaguing me on and off over the course of my dismal existence, I’ll post them. Reminder, these are clichés and dumbness seen through a cynic’s eyes, and must not be taken seriously. Unless you’re a cynic too. :-)
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“Anything too stupid to be said is sung.”
-Voltaire
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“It starts in my toes
Makes me crinkle my nose...”
---Yikes. Athlete’s foot?
“Wherever it goes
I always know...”
---Wherever what goes? The smell?
“Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go...”
---Can’t you decide if you want the person to stay or not?
“But I can’t spell it out for you
It’s never gonna be that simple...”
---Euphemized illiteracy.
“If you just realize
What I just realized
We’ll be perfect for each other
And we’ll never find another
Just realize
What I just realized...”
---What DID she realize?
---I realized that Colbie is an authoritarian. How can she be sure that what she realized (whatever IT is) is what the other person would think too? Gosh. Lapse in judgment.
“The rain is falling on my window pane
But we are hiding in a safer place...”
---Yes, the rain makes the world sooo unsafe.
“ Everytime I see your bubbly face
I get the tingles in a silly place...”
----The question remains: WHAT DOES SHE MEAN? Bubbly face? Is this some sort of medical condition?
“If a nigga’s got an attitude, pop it like it’s hot...”
---Racism. If Hitler hated on the blacks, this would have been his motto.
“You make me beautiful
For the very first time...”
---Katharine McPhee wrote those lines for her plastic surgeon.
“Look deep in your soul
And know you’re not alone...”
---SCHIZOPHRENIA.
"Let me help you take off your shoes, Untie your shoestrings, Take off your cufflinks
What you want to eat? Let me feed you
Let me run your bath water, Whatever you desire I'll aspire
I'll sing you a song
Turn your game on, Brush your hair, Help you put your do rag on
Want a foot rub? You want a manicure?
…
I Got Your Slippers,Your Dinner,Your Dessert, And So Much More Anything You Want Just Let Me Cater To You…”
---Destiny’s Child, singing the anthem of Domestic Helpers worldwide.
“Upside down
Bouncing on the ceiling
Inside out
Stranger to this feeling...”
---S Club 7 on “The Exorcist.”
“You think you’re special
But I know
And I know
And you know
And we know
That you’re not...”
---So much for constructive criticism.
“Hit me baby one more time...”
---Britney Spears is a masochist! Oh, wait. You already knew that.
“Face down in the dirt
She said ‘this doesn’t hurt...’”
---Masochism, part two.
---Question: How can she talk if her face is against the ground?
“And it must have been so bad
‘Cause even then I must have damn near killed you...”
---Sadism. The music industry really does have S&M enthusiasts. This one’s from Nickelback.
“It’s been a long, long time
Since everything’s been cool...”
---Click Five on the Ice Age.
“Something’s dying on the inside...”
---Click five on dirty laundry.
“Girl, don’t you know you can’t escape me
Ooh darling ‘cause you’ll always be my baby...”
---Creepy stalker much?
“Every move you make
Every step you take
Every bond you break
I’ll be watching you...”
---And I thought David Cook/Mariah Carey was creepy.
“Sometimes I run
Sometimes I hide
Sometimes I’m scared of you...”
---And Britney’s their victim.
“Soulja Boy Up In This Hoe
Watch Me Crank It
Watch Me Roll
Watch Me Crank Dat Soulja Boy
den Super Man Dat
Now watch me YOU
(Crank Dat Soulja Boy)
Now watch me YOU
(Crank Dat Soulja Boy)
Now watch me YOU
(Crank Dat Soulja Boy)
Now watch me YOU
(Crank Dat Soulja Boy)”
*And so on. And on. And on.
---Lather. Rinse. Repeat. I still don’t get it.
“Even though the gods are crazy
Even though the stars are blind
If you show me real love baby
I'll show you mine...”
--- Something doesn’t make sense here... Oh wait, who sang this again? Paris Hilton? Never mind. Wouldn’t expect sense from girl who said “What’s Wal-mart? Do they, like, sell wall stuff?”
“Don’t say a word
I know you feel the same
Just give me a sign
Say anything, say anything...”
---Make up your mind, Good Charlotte.
“Please don’t walk away
I know you wanna stay...”
---If the person is walking away, then evidently the person does NOT want to stay.
“I gotta find a way out
Maybe there’s a way out...”
---Boys like Girls on childbirth.
“Something’s telling me it might be you...”
---Stephen Bishop’s answer to “Who farted?”
“I want you to burn
Burn for me baby
Like a candle
In the night
Oh burn
Burn for me
Burn for me...”
---Holy Inquisition Album Track 1: Catholic Church on Witch Trials. Common sense sold separately.
(That wasn’t blasphemy, was it? *Smirk. )
“I will never let you fall
I’ll stand up with you forever
I will be there for you
Through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven...”
---The title is “Your Guardian Angel,” right?
---Two arguments:
(a) Singer thinks he’s a guardian angel—let’s assume he is.
-Angel falls in love with human, again? God! Pun unintended.
(b) Singer is a delusional human being somehow heavily addicted to this other human being.
-How the hell does he think he’s going to heaven? Pun intended.
“Staying alive
Staying alive
Ah, ah, ah, yeah
Staying alive...”
---Zombie Movie soundtrack.
“You can’t get, get with me
Get away from me
I’m not into what you say
I’m not that easy babe
So don’t think you can play with me...”
---Jamie Lynne Spears on things she said and never did.
“There go the streetlights
The night’s officially on
I’ve got the green light
To do whatever I want...”
---Jessica Simpson’s take on driving under the influence. Word.
“Why can’t I speak whenever I talk about you...?”
---Liz Phair on, er, sign language.
“Baby, I am dying...”
---And I thought it was only in the opera that people sing during that crucial moment.
“I’m not breathing, I’m suffocating...”
---See what I mean?
“I’m learning to fall
I can hardly breathe...”
---It goes on.
“You have stolen my heart...”
---Then how can you still be singing?
“Wake me up
Wake me up inside
Wake me from the nothing I’ve become
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I’ve become...”
---Pessimism meets Count Dracula.
“Thank God I found you
I was lost without you...”
---Mariah talking to her map.
“Get low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low...”
---Filipinos on gas prices.
“Nobody’s gonna get me higher
I must stick with you forever...”
---PCD to their drug dealer.
“Hello...
Is it me you’re looking for...”
---David Cook on looking for a job.
“Open up your mind...”
---Lobotomy.
“What if it’s lost behind,
Words we could never find...”
---Then you wouldn’t have lost anything.
“In the darkness, there’s a clear view...”
---Ashlee Simpson on night vision goggles.
“I love how you can tell
All the pieces,
Pieces of me...”
---Chainsaw massacre victim to CSI.
“It’s as if you know me better
Than I ever knew myself...”
---Amnesiac.
"You make me wanna la la,
On the kitchen, on the floor
You make me wanna la la,
la la la, la la la...”
---Ashlee Simpson on the art of articulation.
“I’m way too cool for you boy
That’s why it will never work...”
---Jojo on egoism.
“Love me, love me, looooooooooooooooove...
You’re gonna loooooooooooooooove (breathe) meeeeeeeeee...”
---Jennifer Hudson on desperation. High octave nobody-can-ever-sing-this-song-like-this-ever-again desperation.
“Here I am
Perfect as I’m ever gonna be
You’ll see
Love me for me...”
---Ahslee Simpson. Egoism AND desperation.
“I’m just your latest mistake...”
---From egoism we go to heavy self-deprecation. Nice to see there’s balance in the world.
“No clouds in my stones...”
---What?
“Now it’s raining more than ever...”
---Rihanna as witness to the Great flood.
“When the sun won’t shine we’ll shine together...”
---Rihanna on arson.
“I think you should let it burn
Let it burn
You gotta let it burn...”
---Usher as Rihanna’s accessory to the crime.
“Get fired up in a hurry...”
---Christina Aguillera, their lookout.
“Told you I’ll be here forever...”
---Rihanna on immortal stubbornness.
“We could go to the slums
Where killers get hung
Shawty I can take you there...”
---Sean Kingston on his hometown.
“Why can’t I turn off the radio...?”
---Neyo on life as an amputee.
“Even the best fall down sometimes...”
---Howie Day, consoling Filipino Olympic contestants. I think.
“I learn every time I bleed...”
---One can only hope Jordin Sparks is not a hemophiliac.
“And I keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding...”
---Now THAT’S hemophilia.
“I can’t waste time
So give it a moment...”
---A “moment” is considered time, dear.
“When I looked in the mirror
It didn’t deliver...”
---Uh, what? Mirror, mirror on the wall where is the pizza I ordered?
“I’ve got you
To make me feel stronger...”
---McFly to steroids.
“I know you can’t stay
But a part of you will never, ever go away
Your heart will stay...”
---Soundtrack of failed artificial heart operations.
“... When you knew all along he was mine from the start...”
---M2M on slavery.
“He’s my baby...”
(Repeat ten thousand times.”
---M2M on teenage pregnancy.
“Bring back my baby to me...”
---M2M on crib death.
“Love me...”
---M2M trying and failing to be Jennifer Hudson
“Sometimes I think I hear you call
Right from my bedroom wall...”
“Spend some time with me
Can’t you seeeeeeeeeeeeeee...”
“When you walk in through the door
Smiling Face
Like I’ve never seen before…”
“I used to write your name
And put it in a frame...”
---M2M and their glorious rhymes.
“When I was dreaming of you
You were dreaming of me...”
---Mother Goose on M2M and their masterful, masterful rhyming abilities.
“Even the wrong words seem to rhyme...”
---Howie Day defending M2M.
“Dear Diary,
something good happened today...”
---M2M trying and failing to be Anne Frank.
“What can I say to make you mine...”
---Nothing. Slavery is prohibited, people.
“I lie awake at night
See things in black and white...”
---M2M on dog vision.
“Let me inside
Make me stay
Right beside you...”
---M2M on stalking.
“Mirror, mirror lie to me
Show me what I wanna see...”
---The only song on Vicki Belo’s iPod.
“When I saw you
I wanted you to be mine...”
---How many times must you be reminded that slavery is prohibited?
“I must be stupid
Must be crazy
Must be out of my mind...”
---M2M. Nothing follows.
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