Ten Basic Myths and Truths

Myth: Her name is Roseann.
Truth: Her name is Marie Julianna Eleonore Rosalinde Florence-Guadiela Bashevis.

Myth: She speaks three languages.
Truth: She speaks six languages, namely: Filipino, English, French, Nadsat*, Newspeak**, and Turtle.

Myth: She is 18 years old.
Truth: In 1512 she beat Juan Ponce de Leon to the Fountain of Youth, and is in fact over 497 years old today.

Myth: She is a feminist.
Truth: She is the reincarnation of the Amazon Queen Penthesilea.

Myth: She is a Political Science major in the University of the Philippines.
Truth: She obtained a double major in Archaeology and Forensic Pathology from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology in 1991.

Myth: She is a Filipino Citizen.
Truth: She is half-Olorian*** and half-Ursa Minor Betan****.

Myth: She is a vegetarian.
Truth: While attending a Toltec ritual in Tula, she got into a heated argument with the soil fertility god Quetzalcoatl and has vowed ever since to solely devour plants for revenge.

Myth: She hates children.
Truth: She has a rare medical condition which makes her allergic to children within a twenty-foot radius, and long term exposure causes severe anaphylactic shock. This has led to 22 of her 31 near-death experiences as of 2009.

Myth: She is strong, independent, mercurial and neurotic.
Truth: She is nice, kind, sweet, forgiving, innocent, fragile and harmless.

Myth: She likes writing about herself in the third person.
Truth: Her alternate identity wrote this while she was talking with her turtles.

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*Nadsat: language invented by Anthony Burgess in the novel Clockwork Orange; most of the words are of Russian origin.
**Newspeak: language invented by George Orwell in the novel 1984.
***Oloria: Dimension between Narnia and Mordor, west of Oz. Accessible by tsunamis.
****Ursa Minor Beta: Headquarters of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. “It is a West zone planet which by an inexplicable and somewhat suspicious freak of topography consists almost entirely of subtropical coastline.” (Chapter 5, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, Douglas Adams)