So I was cleaning my old stuff the other day. You know, the stuff from kinder, grade school and high school that just happen to accumulate over the years. (Okay, so I'm a hoarder when it comes to these things). There were letters, planners, report cards, letters, IDs, overdue book notices, letters, candy wrappers, pictures... and did I mention letters? I have now arranged most of them in two scrapbooks, in no order whatsoever. I am not about to chronologize 12 years' worth of stuff. That might take me another 12 years. Anyway, I came across this letter that had me literally rolling on the floor in laughter.
Background. Sometime around sophomore year, we were cleaning the classrooms before classes began. Just a little spruce up. The classrooms belonged to the seniors the year before, so I assume it was from one of the seniors to another one of the seniors. Or something. Due to, er, possible humiliation of both the sender and the recipient of the letter, I won't write their names. (Even if they are just first names).
This is the letter, verbatim.
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" *,
I have my own reasons and motivations in writting this thing. I know im not good at this but i'll do my best to communicate my thoughts. I've been trying to gather the pieces together and try to heal myself for the past four years, but something is still not right. Everytime i thought everything's "OK" but sooner or later something will trigger something inside and drag me to step one again and again and again. In my research the main reason why this things happen is cause by the undigested emotions in my subconciousness. In which you know me as a silent and secretive man makes me a candidate to suppress emotions.
I've already written three notebooks full of egoistic thoughts as they said it could help me in moving on. Ive Dated a couple of eligible, pretty, intelligent girls thinking it can help me put you out of me. I tried drowning myself with alcohol hoping when im drunk i can express or let things out. I even tried experiencing nightlife hoping to fool myself that theres lot of beautiful women out there seeking men like me. I also tried changing my environment and taking vacations to Camiguin, Davao, HongKong... thinking i can refresh and restart again. But it all FAILED!
(next page)
And it seems that theres something in the process i failed to do. Something i should have done for the last four years. But thing's are blurry and complicated back then, that even right now i still cant draw a clear picture of my life for the last four years.
Im aware that im just a man and im not perfect. That's why i failed in some areas of my life. But isnt it the essence of being young to commit mistakes and learn from it. Im very very Sorry for the pains and troubles ive caused you. Its not my intentions to hurt anyone specially you. Im aware of your efforts and love but its me thats blind. Blinded by pain, anger, anxiety and loneliness in which i wish you could feel me that time. I would like you to know that there are reasons why my reactions are like that. If i am equipped with experience or axioms that could have change my reactions then it could have been better. But that's who i am *. I am ** and thats the best of me. Good for you coz im not your first and true love, that makes it easy for you. But as you know me your my first and true love and its my first time to call a girl, hold a hand, kiss a lips and touch a face and its yours.
(next page)
You should have recognize my efforts too. I know its been four years and right now all i want is for us to go out and talk hoping to release all this thing inside. This is who i am *, Please dont compare me with other men. This is How i was conditioned to love and i believe its no ones fault why i love you like this.
Theres no easy way to say this but just by saying it. This is what i want to happen. I want to go out with you for the last time and really talking with you. I know im not very good at talking but i'll do my best. Im aware that you told me your engaged but i believe you'll grant my heart's request. All i want is for my heart to stop bleeding! I think this is the only thing that i failed to do for the last four years. Please Help my HEART HEAL in order to love again.
Thank you for considering my feelings.
Hope to see you soon.
Please grant my LAST, request.
You know me better than anyone.
Please me find my way home."
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A comedy, if I ever saw one. Because the moralizing effect is pity for the 'character' and relief that it's not me. Understatement, perhaps. Really, thank god it isn't me. This is just pathetic.
In fact, I feel SCHADENFREUDE...
And this one is classic.
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